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*pants from screaming that out loud*

Seriously, lump in my throat right now cuz I love him so much.

I hope this is just an infatuation that will pass because I honestly don't think I have become this obsessed in this short a period of time before. I think part of what is fueling it is that I cannot satisfy my craving for him like I have been able to with past infatuations *dbskcough*
There is very little out there on my dear Jonghyunnie since everyone and their mother is obsessed with Jong Yonghwa, for whom I feel absolutely nothing lol.  It's funny how I got into CN Blue through "we got married" and used to be like awwwwww Yonghwa is so cute but now that I am a Jonghyun fan, I get kinda annoyed at how much attention and screen time Yonghwa gets at the expense of my dear Jonghyun. 
It's funny because I first was exposed to Jonghyun through episodes of We Got Married, but I thought nothing and felt nothing.  I have no recollection of what I thought of him, even though I remember Jongshin and Minhyuk.  Jongshin because he is funny and Minhyuk because he's so adorable.  Jonghyun was just "the other guy".  But then I heard him singing in Loner and I was like "WHO IS THIS MAN!!!!????"   WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S HOW I FELT ABOUT OH-CHAN!!!!!  And Junsu.... Huh... sensing a pattern here.  The people I end up falling for are never the people who got me hooked in the first place, but one minor detail is enough to get me infatuated.   Interesting.
Anyway, god Jonghyun. He's 6 years younger than him and yet I am the most sexually attracted to this man hahah.  It's not like with Ohchan or Junsu, towards whom my default mode is "awwww he's so cute, I just want to hold him and care for him."  a form of motherly love, if you will.  (except I do perv towards them, but only rarely).  Nope, not with Jonghyun.  No motherly feelings at all towards this man even though he is the youngest.  I never really know if I am an S or M but man does this man bring out my M side.  To put it bluntly, I want to be his slave.  LOLOLOLOL.  Like, totally be messed around by him and put through emotional hell.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I JUST posted about needing emotional support and affirmation, and here I go only a couple of inches short of asking to be emotionally abused.   So there is apparently a Korean word, mildang, which according to my understanding is like tsundere in Japanese.  OMG if he were to go all mildang on me I would die.

His voice is SO smooth and warm and silky sweet like chocolate but also has this rougher, throatier quality on the lower notes (or depending on how he vocalizes) and I AM JUST SMITTEN BY HIS VOICE.  And once I fell in love with his voice, I fell in love with his cold, aloof stare from the Loner days (I think I became so M towards him because my initial exposure to him was through the Loner performances and not, say, Love Light).   And now that I am in love with him, of course I love everything about him, even his face, which is kinda weird in a way since all the people that he looks like (Heechul from Super Junior, Jaejoong from DBSK) at their best don't do anything for me and at their worst, kind of repel me.  I don't think his face is one I would generally go for, but if there is one thing I am now sure of, the face seems to be the last thing that matters for me in terms of falling for guys.  
Falling for CN Blue has made me realize how fortunate I am to be an Arashi fan and a DBSK fan.  These two groups have longer histories so there is more first-hand material on them and also much more fan activity.  I can't find many subbed talk shows for CN Blue, even though I know for a fact that they have done some.  The CN Blue fanfiction community on LJ is very small.  The Japanese blogs that do exist on CN Blue are for the most part very low in activity.  I can't scratch that itch that I SO desperately need to scratch, so I ended up writing a SUPER sappy, super self-indulgent fic of Jonghyun and an older woman, who I am just going to admit (since it will be obvious to anyone who knows me at all) is me, idealized.  LOLOLOLOL I wrote one of those fantasy fics in which I end up with my crush, which is something I owed to NEVER do.  I still don't know if I ought to post it since it honestly is kind of embarrassing, but I do want to energize the CN Blue fanfic community.  Don't know what to do.
So like I was saying above, I definitely feel romantically attached to Jonghyun, right from the start, which wasn't really the case with Oh-chan or Junsu.  Or, to be more accurate about it, it's that I would love to be romantically attached to Oh-chan or Junsu in my fantasies, but I just can't imagine it.  I can't imagine how I would interact with these two on just a normal social level, let alone a sexual level.  But it was SO easy to fantasize about Jonghyun, and I am kind of perplexed as to why.  One thing that might help is that Jonghyun has written these very sad songs about lost love and it just made my imagination go rampant.  Oh-chan is obviously very tight-lipped about his love life, so there are very little ingredients for fantasizing, and Junsu, while a bit more open, I think would clearly NOT go for an older woman.  I think he has hang-ups on being treated like a man, and an older woman who would yield the power that comes with older age would probably NOT make him feel good about himself.  
But Jonghyun, on the other hand, has said he prefers older women he can lean on!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Being 6 years his noona, I almost fell off my chair sobbing when I heard him say this.  other things like the fact that he is tall (hence nicer to imagine standing next to me) and he can play guitar (so he can teach me!) also helped.   And finally, but maybe most importantly, I love the music that he writes.  I like Yonghwa's catchier, more upbeat tunes, but nothing pulls at my heart like the mellower, gentle melodies that Jonghyun writes.  For all of his seeming coldness, it's obvious this man has a very sensitive side.  He said himself that he can express with music what he cannot otherwise express, and I think the true core of his nature is probably someone who is very gentle and feels too strongly.  
On an aside, Jonghyun was CN Blue's leader before, and I believe used to have a bigger role as a vocalist (need to do a bit more research into their Japan days).   His comments make it pretty clear that he isn't 100% happy that Yonghwa's songs get much more attention than his and that he doesn't have a lot of songs where he is the main vocalist.  He's said that Yonghwa's songs express CN Blue's color more, so he accepts the fact that Yonghwa's songs get more love, but he openly admits to wanting more singing parts, even if they are performing more standard CN Blue material.  
I think he's right in that the public's image of CN Blue, created mostly through the songs Loner and Intuition, fit more closely with the songs that Yonghwa writes: catchy, generally upbeat but with a certain chic, cool quality to it.  Jonghyun's songs don't sound right unless Jonghyun is singing, and they are either 1) very light on orchestration and fanfare or 2) much heavier, rock material.  Be his emo guitar solo type music or his rock music, neither fit CN Blue's pop-rock image.  I just hope that these differences in musicality don't cause a rift in the band.  On Soundplex, Jonghyun explicitly said his and Yonghwa's musical styles are extremely different, but that CN Blue's color can be that they have many colors.  I appreciate that sentiment, but I hope it will actually come true.  I think Yonghwa is better suited to being the leader (he has talking skills, a lot of charisma on stage and a stronger, more "generic" voice that can handle a wider repertoire) so I don't begrudge them the leader change, but I hope Jonghyun gets more recognition.  I hate it when he is introduced simply as "guitarist" while Yonghwa gets introduced as "leader, vocal, guitar and rap".  I get that Yonghwa is the most popular, but I don't want to see CN Blue turn into a one-man band, even though this seems to be coming true to some extent.  If Jonghyun gets too disgruntled and leaves CN  Blue, I don't know if he will make it on his own.  As true as it is that Korea doesn't have a band culture, it has even less of a solo, singer-songwriter culture, and I don't think he will be able to maintain his popularity.  While I want him to choose whatever path will allow him to be the kind of musician he wants to be, I do want him to continue to be popular so I can continue to follow his activities.   Argh that age-old dilemma between musical integrity and popular success.  
okay, feel better now that I have gotten a lot off of my chest.  My conclusion is: I love Lee Jonghyun and want MOAR!!!!